The drug-related murder of my child Anke Furber.

It was when I attended the National Conference for the 2nd time that I realized “hey, I really should write something” ….. something about the drug related murder of my 21 year old daughter. Many friends had urged me to do so from the viewpoint of a mom who has a child who did drugs and passed.

At the Conference in Portland I attended the workshop ‘Death From The Disease Of Addiction’ presented by Barbara Allen. The room was packed and from my, I have to say, great surveillance spot in the back I could see many heads nodding in agreement when she talked about her addicted son. We all understood, we all had ‘been there’ – and yes we all had lost a child to drugs.

When I got that horrible phone call I was visiting my family in The Netherlands. Because of the time difference nobody really wanted to get out of their warm cozy bed, but the phone kept on ringing. My sister finally answered the phone and came into my room saying, “I don’t know, it’s in English, but I have no clue what this person is saying, please can you talk, it may be Bruce”. And yes, it was my husband, Bruce, who talked so incoherently that I even said, “okay, hang up and I’ll call you later”….. at that point he just could bring out, “Anke, Anke, Ria you have to come home, Anke is the one who was found burned” – the rest I really didn’t understand – I was wide awake, jumped out of bed, threw my stuff into the suitcase and got dressed. My sister drove me to Schiphol, Amsterdam Airport – while I was having all those flashes in my head about my child ‘somewhere dead’.

On that, for me, longest flight of my life, I was staring out of the window pushing back all those thoughts that it was Anke who was found – but in the back of my head I just knew – I knew because for years we all had visions of her being found somewhere in the gutter, an abandoned building, in a field or in the woods .

There on that 9 hour flight I saw her as a little kid, happily jumping up and down, singing aloud in several languages. Then I saw her as the pre-teen who was ‘introduced’ to drugs when she was 13 years old. Back again to those happy times while I was staring out of the window - Anke making drawings and getting acknowledgement for those in school. Me tearing up right there in the plane.

The stewardess I had ‘attacked’ as soon as it was safe to unbuckle and get up -me asking, no really demanding, that I needed to make a phone call ‘right now’ because my husband had called me and he thought that it was our daughter who was found in that vineyard- was very nice and brought me a large glass of wine, actually several during that long flight. While I tried to suppress that most horrible thought the stewardess constantly checked on me. She had told her captain about her passenger who seemed to be in distress, and little did I know that the captain and crew already knew what had happened. She had asked me for my name, name of my husband and our telephone number. My husband worked for the airlines at the time, and the captain already had radio contact very early into the flight when the stewardess told him about her passenger – me.

At the airport Bruce and our son were both waiting for me when my ‘Delta Angel’ who took care of me all the way through customs and baggage pickup and I rode up the escalator. Right there my worst nightmare came true, and my world fell apart.

We were never in denial about Anke’s drug-abuse. We sought counseling when we ‘noticed’ something was not ‘right’. She was put on meds for bi-polar disorder for a short time to see if she was bi-polar. But Anke decided she wasn’t ‘ill’ and just didn’t take the meds. She did see her counselor for a couple of years, but also misbehaved in school and ran away a couple of times. She was labeled ‘difficult/defiant’ when she ran off, and I called 911, we were terrified because she was only 13 years old at the time. 
Because I had called 911 she ended up in the Juvenile Justice System which made her even more defiant. Once in the System you can get locked up for just ‘saying’ something the teachers don’t like to hear or for smoking a cigarette on the parking lot of the school. I’m sure she did drugs then, but she was never locked up for that, but for smoking a cigarette on school grounds. She was always surprised that she was the one who was locked up and not the other kids who also smoked and did the same things she did. However, those kids were not in the system and therefore sort of got away with the little things.

How I wish the Juvenile Justice System would have dealt with kids like her differently. Just locking you up doesn’t really help – it makes things worse – because in jail you meet dealers. When you come out the dealers are waiting ‘in the wings’ so to speak, for you. And so, while Anke had lots of clean time which was great fun for all in the family, she attended school, even was in advanced classes. Then, when her body had this insatiable craving, she again turned to the drugs. I can’t begin to write how that affected all of us – it’s like living on a rollercoaster not exactly in an amusement park, but in a horror movie. When high you’re ‘happy’ –however it’s not a healthy ‘happy’ – coming down is ‘bearable’ but being in need is horrible again. A person who’s an addict does everything in his/her power to get to that next high – doesn’t matter who or what’s in the way. Quite a few times I had to call the cops to please come in and pick her up – because she was in danger of hurting herself. I always thought that this wasn’t the right way – addicts need treatment, not locking up. I personally believe that addiction is a disease which is very hard to cure. From the age of 13 we had this revolving door life of Anke in rehab, Anke in boot camp, Anke locked up – but also amazingly long, very happy, clean times.

I would love to see some research done why some kids experiment with drugs and don’t go on, don’t have that craving to do so. Why does a child like Anke ‘need’ to try all those drugs and just can’t stop. We have a son too – he’s just a year and a half older than Anke – he did smoke some pot, decided it’s not for him and is very successful running his business. Two kids in the same household, with the same parents, same treatment, same schools, same food, same everything - one ends up dead because of drugs, the other is successful.

In the very beginning of 2005, Anke herself sought rehab – she had told us she needed to change her life and get away, get out of the drug world. I didn’t know she paid for it herself – I did find the receipts after I went through her ‘things’ later that year after her death. I’m not sure what really happened, but in that crazy drug world you can get killed over a joint – the drug dealers really don’t care about you – your life means nothing to them.

In the aftermath of this heinous crime, we as parents were shunned and lost a lot of friends. If your death is in any way drug-related it’s the ‘you-asked-for-it-stupid’… ..thing. Even the detectives working
on her case have said to me the ‘life-style of your daughter’ not even saying her name, just ‘your daughter’. Later that changed and the called my daughter by her name, Anke.

Nine months after the charred remains of Anke were found the case was declared ‘cold’ – meaning the person(s) who shot her, set her on fire and dumped her may still walk amongst us. We do think Anke saw/heard/knew something she wasn’t supposed to see/hear/know. Dealing with the aftermath, i.e. the investigating Pol. Dept. was and still is a nightmare. Both Bruce and I have struggled with lots of questions such as ‘Moral failing’ – ‘Enabling’ – ‘Shame’ and many more. Even within the TCF family this kind of death still carries a stigma. I know some other parents who lost their child to drugs, but they don’t even want to talk about it – feeling they ‘failed’ somehow. No, they didn’t fail. Addiction is a disease.

I was interviewed by a journalist from the Atlanta Journal and Constitution who wanted to do an update about the case. She also wanted to know what I’m doing with my life. She came to our house and we just chatted. I told her about the other group I’m active in – and of course I told her about TCF – to my great surprise she had no idea what TCF was – she knows now. During our chat she did ask me how I felt to be in a group like that, being, maybe, the only mom who lost her child to drugs. Let me tell you what I said, I said, “I’m jealous sometimes of these people whose children died a normal death like a car accident. Isn’t that whacked?”. She asked me if this was ‘off the records’ – hell no it wasn’t and so she had it in her article in the AJC. I’ve had comments about it after it was published from people who read it – all very good comments, and so I was glad it wasn’t ‘off the records’.

We need a lot of education – preferably starting at a young age – about addiction. I, myself, am involved with a group of bereaved parents who lost their child to drugs – OD. Some of us are going to schools to educate the kids. Some of us are pushing for random drug-testing in schools (by the way doing research I found out that lots of educators are addicts too…..) some of us are fighting to get the laws changed i.e. if you’re in the presence of a person who overdoses, you should get help and call 911, not just let someone die. In Portland I had information about this group on the table in the hospitality room and did wear ‘our’ t-shirt. Many people asked me to turn around so they could read what the shirt said. You can read more on the website www.friendsdontletfriendsd ie.com

People who drink more alcohol than what is good for them are addicted to alcohol. The same is for people who smoke a pack a day, it’s called addiction, too. Alcoholism is a disease. So is drug addiction whether it’s legal (prescription drugs) or illegal drugs.

Drugs don’t discriminate. Young, old – black, white – religious or not – gay or lesbian – drugs don’t discriminate.

The woman who counseled Anke, way back, immediately called me when she saw the news about her former client. She counseled me for quite some time, this was wonderful because she had known Anke very well. It was she who told me about TCF, but I wasn’t ready for that at that time. However, in the very beginning of 2008 I was ready, and I’ve been with TCF Marietta GA Chapter since. I’ve become quite active as a steering committee member and a facilitator in our Chapter.

Of course, none of this would bring my Anke back – I would give anything, anything to have her back, drug abuse and all. Bruce and I were never in denial about her drug abuse, Anke was not an angel, we know that very well, however, she was our angel.

I am still in contact with Anke’s former counselor as well as some of the counselors who worked with Anke when she was in boot camp. The Director of the boot camp Anke was in for 9 months, worked on a special ceremony for Anke – this ceremony was done the day Anke would have been 22. Bruce, I and our son together with two of Anke’s best friends drove to the location. All counselors attended, some even flew in - it was heartbreaking seeing how all of them cared so much for my child. The family of my ‘Delta Angel’ is part of my family as well – we will be forever friends.

A big THANK YOU goes to my Marietta, GA TCF Chapter, for standing behind me in my journey to make people aware of ‘The Disease Of Addiction”.

Ria Coesel – mom of Anke Marjon Furber – 04/15/1984 – 09/25/2005